He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.