Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
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Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.