I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
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“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.