PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
dutch is not a serious language
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
how was your vacation
“We will wed,” I threatened
Autocorrect is my menesis
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.