Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
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No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE