[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.