For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t