{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
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1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no