therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?