love it when they get my name right
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I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
(more comics:
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I’d love this…lol
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”