[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
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Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here