I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
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Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol