OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
This was my dad’s browser history.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You