The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Aight bet
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
it must be school picture day
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.