This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
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I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?