If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
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[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Imma just leave this here…………
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena