Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
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Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I really had high hopes for this year though
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.