ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
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coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*