I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
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Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.