If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.