If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
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imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.