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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.