Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
What do you hear?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?