ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.