Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
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Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse