putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
this is how life feels
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?