Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
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“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss