Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket