Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na