It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑