#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
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Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Lmfaoooooo
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.