You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket