Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.