“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
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My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Cake safety first. Always.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.