Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*