I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
You Might Also Like
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
lmfao
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*