Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
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Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Rather alarming headline…
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.