[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
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During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
ACED my prostate exam!
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.