I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
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Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Tremendous stuff
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa