Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
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Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
🏙👨🏼
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”