I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐