My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.