The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
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There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.