Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
that colleague who touches your screen
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!