I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
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Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Ooh I do like a good funnel
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.