My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
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its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it