when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
wishing you and yours all the best
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.