My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions