me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.