This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
You Might Also Like
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
he chose this
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.